I invited him over for tea and put cyanide capsules in it.

I stabbed him with a kitchen knife.

We took acid together and I dosed him out enough for him to lose his mind. 

We took a long drive and I hit a tree on purpose.

We went trap shooting together and I used him as a target.

I set him up with my ex girl friend

because anytime with her would cause any mere mortal to commit suicide.

I killed my negative mind state. 

 

 

I don’t think I’ve ever been as lonely as I am now.  The only thing about that is I’m too scared to actually go out and find someone to fight this loneliness with.  Every time I’m with a girl I feel like things are so right that I’m dying.  Like it brings the end closer, even though it’s just as near or as far away as it always was.  Where do these feelings come from?  It’s not like I have that bad a relationship with my mother, or any detachment issues.  I always blame that on people who are unable to be in a relationship, or admit they love someone or something.  “Oh they must have attachment issues.”  Maybe I’m just as bad as everyone else.  For that matter I know I am.  But for now I’ll just sit in this basement and do my business paperwork, drinking beers by myself, bitching about how I’m alone but too pussy to do anything about it.  I bought myself a St benedicts cross the other day, started wearing it today.  It feels good to believe in something.  He was a real man after all regardless of which side of the fence you sit on.  Baby steps Sean baby Steps.   

I shot skeet for the first time today with my new shotgun.  To be honest with myself and readers I haven’t done much shooting….like ever….This past summer I went to the range a couple times, and shot once while camping in NH.  It’s amazing how easily you can pick up a new skill if you keep an open mind to what you are trying to accomplish.  At first I was pretty anxious about shooting, especially in front of seasoned shooters in a sport I have no previous experience in.  One thing I think I have truly internalized over the last couple years has been keeping calm in situations.  Not like shooting with people whom I’ve known in a back yard is that daunting of a task but it can be nerve-racking.  Gun safety is paramount, and also put to the test with multiple guns on the range shooting at moving targets.  The potential for a mishap is definitely something that cannot be overlooked.

Keeping calm is perhaps one of the most important things to do.  Not in like the “keep calm and carry on,” bullshit that has become pop culture but like keeping a clear, thought out head when trying new things, or especially when shit goes wrong.  For instance many of those who know me, know I’m no stranger to the art of riding a motorcycle at high speeds.  When I say high speeds I’m talking 150 mph + for extended amounts of time.  There are times no doubt while doing that, where the bike become unstable, road conditions changed suddenly, traffic shifted, etc.  A multitude of things can happen when your flying through the air at 150 mph on a glorified pedal bike with a motor.  This however has taught me a lot about life.  I can remember reading an article in the magazine Cycle world.  The article explicitly told new riders to pay attention to your bike and your bike only.  This may seem obvious to the lay person.  When you get out on the open road though that article came to mind many a time. There you are sitting in the fast lane riding to the right or left of the lane ( proper form)   When a 18 wheeler comes rushing by carrying all that air.  Everything in your mind says look away or pay attention to what the truck is doing.  You can’t however, and that is the furthest thing from what you want to do.

This riding technique transcends into life as well.  You want to pay attention to what others are doing, stories you hear, successes failures, but you must pay attention again to your bike ( or in this case your life.)  Truly the only thing you really have control of in life is your own.  That includes your emotions, and furthermore and probably most importantly your reactions.  I can’t tell you how many times now that I’m a salesperson on a delivery route people try to wind me up.  On purpose, maliciously.  If I lose my temper, or control of my emotions I could possibly lose my pay check for the week, by getting kicked out of the store.  This is a lot harder for me than one might initially think because in the past there has been many a person told off at the drop of a hat by yours truly.

How is it too late at 23?  As my 23rd year of life draws to an end it causes me to reflect on what’s to come.  The fact of the matter is life is almost guaranteed to get harder and harder to live as the years go on.  Paradoxially so you get better and better at living life as time goes on( better coping skills, maturity, wisdom, etc.)  However for the most part my life has been pretty much easy up until this point.  Grew up a suburban kid in a predominately white america backdrop.  Haven’t had to deal with much loss ( grandmother, one uncle).  In every sense of the word hard times that undoubtedly will find everyone at some point in life haven’t come my way.  Good health, an active mind, disease free, somewhat athletic.  So how is it so that so many of us when I look around under the same conditions can find time to complain.  Although, I’m only turning 24 which in retrospect is still young, I’ve seen how apathetic time can be whilst leaving.

Now is the time to put the skills that I either have or haven’t honed as a young adult male to the test.  From this point on time will test weather I will make it and be a productive male reproducer in society or a cast away burn out.  Throughout life I’ve come to notice that they’re two paths exposed to me or in which i subconsciously make come about.  EIther complete success beyond my wildest dreams for seemingly no good reason.  Or beyond catastrophic failure sending me reeling back into mind states of fucking ten years christmas past.  I’ve noticed more and more that as time passes and you grow older people tend to take you more and more seriously.  Weather that be that they think your wisdom has increased or that they’re so god fearing of their own unavoidable death coming year by ever coming year if they’re lucky.  That’s if you don’t die for no fucking reason in a lovers quarrel high of mescaline at age 39.  Or the goddam heavy metals that they religiously spray on us from above on a daily basis don’t grow a third ball sack off your third eye rendering it really permanently useless.  Overall though the best thing about being somewhat pessimistic is that even if shit goes horribly wrong it’s basically what you were expecting anyways.  And if I was standing in line and asked if I’d like to go for a journey you know I’d say yes.  

          The modern day disconnect.  We sleep together alone.  You get i such a rhythm being single of being alone that anything else seems like suicide.  I find myself changing the sheets and the pillow case after you leave.  As if the smell of your hair will seep into my  brain.  Make me feel like I need someone else for some reason or another.  Every-time you stay Here I feel as though I lose a piece of myself.  Not that you could ever take that, it just wears away.  Making me become less of myself until everything I say is just a repeat.  A repeat of someone or something I had or was to you before.  A memory, a reaction.  

It’s amazing how much fear can hold us all back everyday.  The little butterfly feeling in your stomach that whispers, “your going to die”.  Maybe that’s where all the fear is sourced, not in the failure, disappointment, or the unknown.  How can we fear what is taking place already.  So many times I’ve wasted fearing that which eventually happened anyways.  Maybe being proactive in our fears is the best preparation.  Not so much as being prepared to accept the outcome of our fears but the fact that they will actually occur.  The best defense for fear is then to be conscious or aware of the nature of your emotion.  Emotions in a moment can cripple your reactions, your coping, your decision making.  Looking at fear, emotions in life objectively definitely addresses this problem.  However when you start to look at your emotions as objects that suggests their is a goal.  What are the goals of our emotions?  what is their purpose?  If the goal or end point of our lives is death, perhaps emotions are the preparation for that end.  Will you look back at your life in your final moments with love, anger, fear, doubt.  Perhaps death is the moment where humans transcend emotion because we are no longer able to rely on them with a life.